last days

at work,
originally uploaded by jenie.

November 30 will be my last day at work. Starting December, I'll be helping my mom and brother with the real estate business. By January, I'm probably whining again and wishing that I'll be in a different job. I just know that's gonna happen. I really don't know what's happening to me. I want to work but I've become such a weakling in terms of dealing with obstacles and struggles. I was not like this before! And honestly, I hate myself for being this way. I am such a brat. It's so fucking stupid whenever I don't want to be somewhere when I really don't know where I'm headed. Sometimes I wanna hit my head on the wall, and ask myself what i really want. I mean, I know what I want but it seems like I'm not doing what it takes to get them.

For me, that's just a big sign of weakness. Yes, I admit I'm a weakling because I don't struggle enough. It's just that I believe that there are a lot of unnecessary stress and problems in this world, and I'm doing my best to avoid them. There are just several inevitable circumstances and tribulations that will come along. That's what we should prepare for.

But who knows? What if we're destined to be who we don't want to be? Is that even possible? I'm starting to doubt self-determinism already. We're not free because of our freedom. We learned that in Philosophy before. But I don't want to believe that we're free to do what we want. We're not free because we only do what has to be done. What we want does not necessarily go along with what freedom entitled us to do. They're both contradicting. And it sucks. I'm beginning to live my life more spontaneously; just trying to go with the flow. But it's wrong if I always want it my way. I really don't know anymore. Whenever I do something and achieve a goal, I always end up realizing that my goal isn't what's best for me. I don't know anymore.

Should I just let go and let destiny take its course? (if there's really such a thing)

Or should I continue driving and taking charge of my own vehicle even if I always end up in the wrong destination?

Stupid shit.