Facing one's fears takes courage

It’s the beginning of another week, and I must say that what happened last Friday got me into deep thinking about one of my biggest fears. I will do my best to be as true to myself in this entry, as a sort of therapy.

I am afraid of marriage. Yes, you heard that right. It caused him to be disheartened with our relationship, but I told him that truth after I found out that a close friend already had plans of tying the knot. She’s my age, he is her 1st boyfriend, and they’ve only been together for 5 months, but they are ready. And that just freaked me out.

My issues began to settle in when I realized how I was the exact opposite of my friend. I thought to myself, how come she’s that courageous and I’m not. How come I refuse to entertain that topic in my head, and once I did, I just blew up. I know this issue’s done between Tatoff and I, but I just have to put a closure on everything, for my own sake.

After the argument and after the conversation, I finally reconciled my issues. I still have doubts on marriage. I still can’t figure out at least 10 reasons why people my age would like to take the plunge, but I somehow understand where they’re coming from. When you see someone being in your future, everything begins to make sense. But in my case, I’m not the type who would immediately use her heart more than her head. I consider all the repercussions accurately. The only problem is that I become too pessimistic, until the essence tends to disappear entirely. I’ve decided to shut the topic of marriage in my system because I’m afraid of all the responsibilities. I don’t want to pay bills, budget my salary every month, cut down on personal expenses, limit going out with friends, save up for other future expenditures, and be pressured to earn in any way. It’s all about the money, baby. I believe it’s the root of all marriage’s evils. I’m not saying I want a lavish life, because I wasn’t brought up with one. I just don’t want to subsist on a day-to-day basis. That’s just too much hassle. I’ve always planned my life alone then, and the adjustment period just isn’t that easy for me.

It was wrong for me to imply that I don’t want marriage, when I’m in a relationship. It was wrong for me not to think that there is a huge possibility that this may eventually lead to that. I know I’m still in a very selfish phase in my life, and that’s why I got extremely disappointed at myself when I made him feel like this relationship is going nowhere because I can’t commit. I was wrong and confused, and I’m sorry. Thank you for understanding and forgiving me.

In reality, we both don’t know where this will end. Who knows what the future holds anyway? But then again, we’ve decided to commit and do everything to the best of our ability to make this work and to make it last.

I’m not kidding when I say that I’m very grateful and blessed to have someone who doesn’t think as twisted as I am when it comes to that topic. Imagine how bad it would be if he felt the same way about marriage. I’m glad he was able to help pacify my fears, before I totally blew up. I had to face it early, and figure out what was really wrong, and where my berserk thoughts are coming from. I will not write about the results of my own personal psychoanalysis here. I’m just glad I got it all figured out, with his help, of course.

I am still afraid of marriage. I know most people who are in love will say otherwise, but it’s not that easy to let go of a belief I’ve held for years before I got involved with someone. I’m still overwhelmed with tying the knot, but this relationship has taught me so much more about how to face my enormous fear. I’ve to rethink about my plans for the future, but now in a different light. I’m not planning it alone anymore. In time, I will have the courage and strength because I know there’s someone who will be by my side.

And in time, I promise you, both of us will be looking in the same direction. In time.